Do you hate me?

Your voice stirs and echoes in my soul. What you asked was so simple…so harmless…yet, I could not answer. Tears and sadness had constricted my lungs, asphyxiating me. I wished I could have said something -- anything to take your pains away but I couldn’t. Even if I could have spoken, I wouldn’t have known what to say to you.

As I looked down pensively, you simply smiled at me, placing your hand through my hair, caressing me.
It’s not fair! Why did you treat me so? Why did you have to make this harder for the both of us? Your acts of affection and kindness only created a heavier burden on my heart. Didn’t you realize this?

I clenched my teeth. Sensing my discomfort, you told me that everything would be all right. And for a time…I believed you.

We spent two weeks together, carrying on with our usual business as if nothing had ever occurred to change our lives. It may have seemed naïve at the time, pretending that this wasn’t happening, but it was how you wanted to spend your last days with me. And I couldn’t deprive you of your wish. I was willing to give you anything you wanted or needed -- even before all of this had started…

Then, fate revealed its twisted plot. I vividly remember the day that you collapsed in the grocery store. Immediately, they took you to the hospital -- took you away from me. And for the first time for as long as I can remember, I cried. It was selfish of me to do so. Crying only showed how I let my emotions overwhelm me. How selfish of me…You were the one who was in pain. You were the one who was entitled to show sadness, show emotion, show tears.

Not me.

Only a day after you were taken to the hospital, I visited you and I could already see the change in the colour of your skin. You were thin -- haggard even. It was almost as if you were a corpse -- half-dead and waiting for your angel of death to come for you. It grieved me to see you so. And once again, I allowed my feelings to overwhelm me; but you…you still remained strong. I admired you for that.

I visited you the next day. Unable to tear myself away from the toils of my everyday obligations, I couldn’t be there by your side while you slept. Maybe I let my work get ahead of me on purpose so I wouldn’t see you, or maybe everything was so hectic that I really didn’t have the time to be there for you. I don’t know.

I brought a bouquet of flowers to cheer you up; you thanked me and told me to bring my ear closer to yours. Your voice was soft. It was almost inaudible, but I heard what you told me that day. You told me your dreams, feelings, ambitions and regrets. And it pained me to know that I couldn’t give you what you wanted when we still had an empty hourglass in our hands. Then, with the sun passing the horizon, you asked of me one last favour.

I told myself that I couldn’t. Immediately, I refused your wish and turned away, thinking to myself. My hands still tremble as I recall the disappointment in your face when you saw my reluctance. It was a face that I couldn’t stand to see; so, closing my eyes, I took your request into consideration. If I fulfilled what you wanted, I would be free, unbound by the shackles which restrained me within the sands of time. But…that wasn’t fair. I couldn’t continue on in life with this favour of yours weighing on my conscience…could I?

Powerless to face the devil within me on my own, I finally turned my face away from the floor and looked into your eyes. One look at your reassuring face caused my demons to flee. I smiled weakly and complied with your wish.

Sneaking out that night, I remember taking you from the hospital in my arms. Earlier, you had told me of a place that you had dreamed of. It was a place where we oft spent time together, bathing in its purity.

Taking you there with only my strength of determination helping me to persevere, we arrived in a short time. There, in the midst of the gardens of God -- the gates to heaven themselves -- was the surreal lake where we shared a myriad of fond memories together. I grasped your body tighter against mine and I looked up. Heaven was obscured behind a black veil which either subtly warned us of our insolence or acted as veneration to our vale of tears.

With fresh droplets of melancholy forming in my eyes, I walked over to the water, taking your body with me. Feeling the cool, revitalizing touch of the water, hope rose in my heart. Then, you asked me the same question that you did two weeks ago.

Do you hate me?

I shook my head. I feigned a smile to veneer my pensiveness.

I told myself that I was doing this because I loved you…but I couldn’t help wondering if I was doing this for a more selfish reason. Was it because I wanted to end your suffering? Or was it because I wanted my suffering to end?

Carrying your body with my hands supporting your head, I reverently lowered you further into the water. My brows furrowed. My head, my heart, my soul began to ache.  But before God could completely take you from me, you grasped my arm and looked up at me with calm eyes. You thanked me for everything that I had done and my lip began to quiver, feeling unworthy of your kind words.

Without another moment of our prolonged suffering and repentance, I brought your body underneath the water and waited until I felt your heartbeat gradually slow …then stop. Suddenly, I released my hands, allowing you to flow freely into the depths of your haven and I brought my hands to my eyes. You didn’t resist, you didn’t cry, and most importantly, you didn’t feel pain. And for that, you did more for me than I could have possibly imagined.

Thank you for always.